The Indian Woman’s Cricket team excelling in the just concluded World Cup has given us all reason to cheer and everyone is expressing pride in their achievement. It is so good to see our girls taking their rightful place in multiple fields and one can safely say they have broken free of stereotypes and successfully taken on every traditional male bastion in sport, art and employment. In a recent interview, Captain Mithali Raj spoke about how as a child she disliked the fact that her father pushed her to train so hard, but now appreciates his role in shaping her career. Her stated reasons for happiness are her current status in family and society and the fact that she enjoys the financial independence.
I am no expert on money and finances so would like to clarify at the outset that this piece on relationships and money is from my own observations and experiences over the years. Money and relationships is a huge issue. In this write-up, I seek to limit it to an exploration of the role of tradition and perceptions in terms of access and control over money within marriage. It’s a thought process and maybe many of you would relate to this piece as part of everyday life. I also hope it helps enhance money related interactions with spouses, extended families and friends.
The other day, I met a younger cousin on her way back from visiting a relative in hospital. We started discussing how treatment costs could be such a drain on family resources and when a parent or elder needs to be taken care of, particularly in old age, it’s the son who most often is expected to bear the costs. If the son is not financially comfortable, a working daughter may then pitch in. And then a statement was made – “Because Maya has never worked (meaning outside of home obviously) and earned, she is hesitant to ask her husband for money, for her father’s treatment”.
The question that instantly arose in my mind was; ‘what role does money play between spouses and who decides who can use it and for what?
Traditionally, girls are told that the marital home is ‘their own home’ and the home they are born in is their ‘parent’s home’ or ‘Maa ka ghar’. This is why they are expected to move out of their parents’ home after marriage, and take on the responsibility of being the anchor in their new home by embracing the extended family. The new home may be with parents in law or an independent one but either way, she is supposed to consider it hers. If after being married for decades, a woman like Maya doesn’t consider the money coming in as also hers, how is the home hers?! Also, a wife’s perception of her role in such a marriage needs introspection. When she considers it valid to convince her husband about spending on things for the home, to fulfil hers and the children’s needs and desires – like taking vacations and maybe buying jewelry or gifts, why isn’t it important for her to take a stand on spending for her parents care?
The other question is about a man’s sense of attachment and responsibility to his ‘family by marriage’. If the wife is his, shouldn’t her parents be his too? After all, they pamper him as ‘damaad’ and traditionally, his status is above other members in the family. They always pitch in with help and support when he is away, when she is set to have their baby, when he, his parents or other loved ones are ailing, when a big celebration is happening in his family….? Then why the reluctance to extend help to them when they are old and in need of care? Why not pitch in like a ‘son’ rather than expect only the biological son to take all financial responsibility? In interpreting tradition, if his parents are hers, hers are his too. Should be that simple- right?
What happens when the tables are turned as we have often seen around us? A new wife harassing her husband or parents in law over money is not unknown. I know of women who have stealthily siphoned off money from trusting husbands and who treated parents in law badly because they were financially dependent on their son. A working colleague confessed that when it comes to money, ‘what’s his is ours and what’s mine is mine’. On the other hand, there are also instances in our extended family when the man has not held a steady job or lost money in business or been ill and lost his job and most often, the wife’s parents have supported the son-in-law’s family in tiding over the crises.
This is not about man and woman, parent and child, husband and wife or brother and sister but about a caring home and society. Money can make or break relationships depending on how it is valued and how it is used. The mind and heart feel that money in a family is meant for improving the quality of life of loved ones. Someone earning well can extend the size of their ‘family’ in many different ways and feel happy doing so. The person earning need not necessarily take control on how money is put to good use. A stay at home dad or mom has just as much right to have a say in prioritizing spends – as long as it’s not harming the other’s interest or being used for indulgences of the detrimental kind!
Are things changing? Yes, there have been inspiring real life changes within homes. Our close friends did a fantastic job of taking responsibility and had both sets of elderly parents living happily together in one home until each parent passed on. And the wonderful duo continues to encourage each other in their chosen careers and hobbies. (The hobbies include some great singing and dancing at extended family and friends’ celebrations!) Another stay at home dad is doing a great job by supporting his wife who is doing very well on her career front. The couple broke stereotypes when the husband quit full time work to care for the kids and home. Not easy in a judgmental society where a man is expected to be the ‘bread winner’. He smilingly argues in favour of his wife’s abilities and ambitions when snide remarks are made. More importantly, the couple is visibly happy together and that is what really matters. Who is bringing home the money does not seem to be a big deal.
Closer home, my father, despite being a salaried employee with many responsibilities always said ‘yes’ and did his best when anyone in the extended family and friends circle needed money. And my stay-at-home mother has been the epitome of concern and fairness in helping out members from both sides of the extended family. My elderly mother in law’s permanent home is with her daughter’s family and the son in law cares for her like a true son.
Today most young couples are contributing financially to the home and also sharing domestic duties and yet, I am told, money is one of the causes for friction between them. Many young women and men prefer to stay single because they are ‘financially independent’ and don’t want to ‘take the risk’. Our achiever Mithali Raj is also single at 34 and late marriages these days are becoming the norm. Young people tell me that couples are ‘more sensible’ these days and love is not the only consideration for marriage. Money or rather financial worth is an important criterion in tying the knot. In a way, I am sad to learn that ‘true romance and love’ is considered ‘outdated’! But despite getting into marriage with practical deliberation, relationships between spouses and extended family are often strained. Maybe it is time to reflect on what money is really worth in terms of bringing people closer. Are young people willing to put sharing and caring above wants and indulgences? If so, more goodwill will be earned and one never becomes poorer by spreading smiles.
Tell me if my thoughts are completely outdated! I will look forward to your sharing of thoughts and experiences on this issue.
