As a parent, you wish to protect your child and safeguard his/her future in the best possible manner. Your daughter especially, captures your attention as you fret about her safety and welfare. Boys in the (patriarchal) Indian society tend to have more freedom from age- old traditions, and are relatively less under the scanning eyes of the ruthless relatives and elders of the family. This may sound too ancient for modern day families, but it holds true for many urban families and most of the rural Indian population, even to this date. While India struggles to achieve true development and modernity in cultural terms, it feels stuck somewhere- it tries hard to break free from the shackles of old stereotypes while embracing a more positive and progressive outlook towards its women.
It is important for you as a parent to accept changing realities and be one with the dynamic nature of our society. We have women reaching for the stars and the Moon, we have women running large- scale industries, and we have women who are running the country. In such times, why are YOU so satisfied and happy while marrying off your daughter as she barely turns 18 or 19 or even 22 years of age? At such ages, your daughter has barely seen the country, let alone the world. She has barely developed fully in terms of the mind and the body. She is yet to mature, to fix her own notions about life, and have any independent and real experience. Why would you, as a concerned and well – meaning parent, want to bind her down to the rigmarole of managing a household and taking care of her partner and her children?
Marriage is inevitable. Eventually, each individual finds a suitable partner and ‘settles down’ to have a family life; but who is to decide that this should happen at a young age itself? Should there be no guideline or plan according to which you plan such a major, life- altering change for your child? Such matters should not be hurried or accomplished before a certain age.
We aren’t saying that you should get your daughter married only by 21/25/28/30 years of age. The decision rests purely on you and your daughter’s consent. However, how are you sure that a 21 year old is mature or experienced enough to know that she wants marriage now or later? Moreover, she is still to learn a lot about her own self and the world around her- so how will she be sure of the kind of man she will be happy with and what kind of a life she wants to choose for her future? We as individuals evolve and grow each day. We change each day. A fifteen year old girl is very different from a college- going 20 year old. Similarly, a 25 year old working woman is much more in sync with herself than a 20 year old who is still finding her ground and her passion. THIS is why you must be patient and wait. Wait for your child to grow and mature enough. Wait for her to have fulfilled her wishes of working, studying, travelling, exploring, and simply enjoying her life. What’s more, in this way you get a few more years of bliss with your daughter before she scoots off to join another family in probably another city or even country.
Life after marriage in Indian society is very different to life after marriage in the West. Here, we expect our daughters- in- law to manage the household alone, cook, clean, handle the kids, and still remain dewy- fresh if the world comes to visit her. In addition to this, if she is a working woman, nothing changes in terms of everyone’s expectations from her. She is still responsible for the home and the family, even if she has an equal workload at office and might be as tired as the ‘man of the house’ by the end of the day.
These complexities were discussed in our previously published articles: Don’t Let Someone’s Wife Be The Only Identity For Your Daughter and The Problems Working Mothers Face in Society.
Now when are already aware how things change after marriage, why are you not willing to let your daughter pursue her education and passions the way she wants, when life is still relatively uncomplicated or easier for her? She has energy and opportunities on her side; all she needs is some time which you should not steal from her. An individual can complete his/her post-graduation by the age of 22 or 23. Then they must make use of the knowledge gained, as they work and grow in a professional atmosphere. So before the ages of 25- 26, your daughter will hopefully have completed her education and set her career. She would have matured and explored her interests. Post these necessary pursuits, she will then be free to choose marriage and her life partner within an ideal set- up.
Post marriage, an ideal situation does not present itself. There are certain adjustments and compromises that need to be made, which is natural and acceptable in a marital set- up. In case your daughter needs to tend to her maternal duties or her duties as a wife, it may so happen that it leaves her with no time for her studies or job; she should not regret the fact that she lost those years of her youth where she could have pursued these interests regarding studies or a job.
Let marriage be a beautiful thing for your daughter, which she looks forward to. It should not be an institution that binds her down or which she regrets. Give your child the freedom to choose and let her enjoy. Let her make the most of her young years. You must let her push her boundaries and shatter the glass ceiling. It will bring her happiness and satisfaction, which in turn, will make you happy, proud, and accomplished as a parent. All the best!
