You come home everyday to a shouting husband or a nagging wife. They sometimes hit you and they sometimes make you feel like there’s no purpose to life. The thoughts of leaving them, just hiding from the world, moving to a different city or even the extreme steps of ending your life cross your mind often.
When is it finally time to put your food down? Should you even put your foot down? If yes, then how harsh should it be? And how do you even do it?
No matter how much you deny it, you’re a little scared of them, they make you freeze out of fear, you’re worried they might hate you for having a voice and might end up hurting you more.
The fear of the abuser is natural, so is the fear of what would happen next. Abusers tend to have one thing in common- they make the victim feel as if they owe them something and make them feel as if the victim can’t survive without them.
It is surprisingly easy to give in to the fear and bear with all of it. But there’s one thing that’s better than tolerating everything and living for others. It is to live a life- free of fear.
And how do you get there? Is Divorce the only solution? Or is there some other way around all of this?
These situations are surprisingly common and yet a little different in each case. Each case needs to be dealt with differently, there are different strings to each person and different ways to deal with each individual.
To make things easier though, the ordeal can be broken down to a 6-stage procedure of how one can finally understand whether Divorce is the solution.
Being aware of the situation
The first step to solving a problem is to know that there is a problem. Knowing that you aren’t wrong and aren’t imagining things will give you a lot of strength. It will help you realize that you need to do something about it.
Nipping it in the bud
If it is early into the abusive behavior, put your foot down immediately and show that you will not accept the disrespect and that they have the risk of losing you if they continue this behavior. Showing the person that you’re strong enough, with or without them will (in most cases) break their belief that they have the right to trouble you.
Communicating
If it is too late to ‘Nip it in the Bud’, try explaining that you don’t like their behavior**. Sometimes the partner doesn’t know that there might be things that they say that bother you. Try communicating with them in front of a professional, who could possibly try to fill up that communication gap.
** This works only when they’re not being aggressive with their abuse or they seem to do it unknowingly. If your partner hits you- Do Not use this method. If physical abuse takes place, move directly to step 4.
Informing and discussing
Discuss this with your friends and family, make sure you aren’t alone in this. It also helps to know that you’re not wrong. Knowing that some like-minded people agree with this will help you boost your confidence and will also create a good support system for you, incase anything happens.
The Ultimatum
Inform your partner that you will not be giving them another chance after this and they know the consequences of the continuation of their actions. Make sure you involve your friends and family in this. You don’t have to deal with it alone.
Free yourself.
If they continue their behavior, they clearly don’t care about you enough to take efforts (which would be acceptable to you) to make you stay. Take the reins in your own hands and get out of it.
In conclusion, a personal opinion on this topic would be to go as far away from the person as possible. Any toxic person should not be acceptable in your life. But marriage is a complex institution with a lot of hope tied to it. The emotions involved cannot be ignored despite the pain that comes with it. But knowing that you don’t have to deal with it, that you aren’t wrong for feeling the way you do and that you have a full right to leave them if you decide to will help. It won’t be easy to struggle out, but it will be easier than keeping quiet.
